


Catch Me I'm Falling

by iggybear2



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Gay, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Treebros, but not really, evan is getting better, kind of, might add more later - Freeform, soft!connor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-04 22:24:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15156923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iggybear2/pseuds/iggybear2
Summary: Evan was never one for social situations. Whenever he walked into a crowded room his chest would tighten up and his hands would get sweaty. That's why he decided to stay mostly online all throughout high school. He stayed anonymous, under the username wavingthroughmywindow. Evan had created a new version of himself online, going under the name Gabe and pretending to be much cooler than he actually was.Connor was well-known, but not for any good reasons. He's able to escape the cruel reality that is his life online. But, if anyone knew who he actually was they would hate him. Everyone would hate him. He uses the username kingofnewyork and never talks about his personal life. If anyone were to find his profiles, he'd be committed to a psych ward or worse, they'd tell Fucking Larry.They met in an unlikely manner, both on the same chat website for suicidal teenagers. But will they be able to stop the other from doing something stupid, or just push them off the edge





	Catch Me I'm Falling

**Author's Note:**

> ok, so the title is from Next to Normal...  
> and this is my first actual DEH writing but idk just tell me if its shit and ill stop.  
>  tw: suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, suicide ideation, intrusive thoughts

The tightening feeling in his chest was like home for Evan. No matter how many medicines he tries, or all the breathing exercises, he could never calm himself down. 

His hand reaches for his phone and he scrolls through endless posts on Facebook, tears clouding his vision.

_God, you're such a fuck up Evan. You can't even go one day without crying like a little bitch._

Evan tries to shake the thoughts out of his head, literally. The room spins once his head stills and he closes his eyes, nausea washing over him. 

Chiming sounds come every few seconds from his off-brand, hand-me-down laptop on his bed. Each chime sends a shiver down Evan's spine, he wishes it all would stop, the sounds and the breathing and everything. He reaches for his laptop and slams it shut, knowing he's not missing anything important. 

Sobs racked his body, curled up on the floor in a pitiful pile. Fists hit the carpet over and over, hoping to get the voices out his head. 

A hand reaches to the box filled with prescriptions, hoping to find the Xanax to at least numb him. Evan dry swallows a pill with ease and he tries to breathe slowly, failing quickly.

====

"Evan! I'm home, honey!" Heidi's voice vibrates throughout the deceased house. "Evan, honey? You up?"

Evan lifts his head as his mother walks into his room. She recognizes the tear tracks and the puffy eyes immediately. Heidi rushes to her son, touching his arm gently but the concern is clear in her eyes. Heidi moves to cradle her trembling son, holding him tight to her chest. 

"Sweetheart, what happened?"

The shaking boy only manages a groan, sounded like a wounded animal. He holds tight to her scrub top, rocking back and forth slightly. 

Heidi whispers soothing words into her son's hair, gently rubbing his hand up and down her spine.

After a while, Evan gets off the floor and lays on his bed. His mother tucks him in like a toddler, and kisses his forehead.

"I love you, honey. We'll get through this, okay?" 

Evan nods his response and closes his eyes, drifting off quickly.

====

It's 4 am when Evan wakes up.

A constant ringing sound is coming from his phone, and he scrambles to find it. 

_**INCOMING CALL FROM kingofnewyork** _

Evan takes in a deep breath, and waits for it to stop ringing, shaking.

When it stops ringing he sees the string of text messages he'd missed.

_**FROM: kingofnewyork** _

_dude i havent heard from u in a while, whats up?_

**_FROM: kingofnewyork_ **

_yo whats going on dude, i know youre usually awake now_

**_FROM: kingofnewyork_ **

_wtf answer me, im worried..._

Dread fills his chest, and he quickly texts back.

_**TO: kingofnewyork** _

_shit im so sosrry i just woke up whats up_

Evan takes deep breaths and closes his eyes, still half awake as he anxiously waits for a response from his  ~~best~~ ~~and only~~ friend. 

_**FROM: kingofnewyork** _

_dude i havent heard from you in days_

**_TO: kingofnewyork_ **

_I know ive been a bad friend but its been a bad few days im sorry im really sorry_

_**FROM: kingofnewyork** _ _  
_

_yoyoyo gabe its all good i was just worried_

At the mention of the fake name, a chill runs down Evans spine and he bites his nails anxiously. He doesn't know if he can ever tell him that it's all been a lie, because it's been so nice. And the last thing he wants to do is send it all crashing down.

_**TO: kingofnewyork** _

_so um how are you??_

**_FROM: kingofnewyork_ **

_ive been better, hey i have a serious question_

Evan freezes, he shakily types a response about how he can ask him anything, wondering of all the different ways he can fuck this all up.

_**FROM: kingofnewyork** _

_do you think we can meet up sometime?_

All feeling rushes from Evan's body, his hands feel numb and he starts shaking violently. Evan leaves Connor on read and slams his laptop shut, falling backward onto his bed. What is he supposed to do? Should he ask someone? Who would he ask? How would he ask?

'Hey I met someone online but not like in a dating way, in like a friendly way, and I kinda lied about everything and I don't know what to do. They want to meet me, should I confess or keep lying. What should I do?'

He shakes his head and bites his nails, casted hand laying across his stomach. His eyes fall shut and he tries to focus on willing himself to sleep. Maybe this is all a dream and it will be gone when he wakes up. He doesn't know if he wants it to be over or not.

====

Before he knows it, Evan is awoken by his screeching alarm at 6:30 am. He quickly shuts it off and rubs his eyes, slowly recalling the events from the night before. He sighs and tries to distract himself while he gets ready for school.

Maybe it will be okay, maybe Connor will understand.

_Oh, who are you kidding Evan? He'll hate you. Get yourself together!_

Evan runs his hands through his hair, worrying his lip between his teeth. 

Before he can work himself up more, he hears Jared honking his car horn obnoxiously outside his house. Evan rushes out the door with his backpack and his phone, trying to forget the events of a few hours prior.

 

 


End file.
